Third Time's the Charm
by canoris
Summary: After his 3rd failed entry-exam a Naru-Punch sends our favorite dorm manager straight to another Tokyo suburb. Where to exactly? Oh, just to Nerima...Why do you ask? Slight OOC and loads of comedy.
1. Enter the Chaos

Disclaimer: I write for fun, not for profit. All characters belong to their respective authors and I'm really glad they came up with them.

'thoughts'

"speech"

*sounds*

ooOOOOOoo section break

* * *

It was a normal summer evening in the city of Hinata. The birds were chirping, the sky was a pure sea of blue warmed by the slowly sinking evening sun.

"KEIIITAAROOOO, YOU PERVVVV!" *boom*

A sound like a fighter jet breaking through the sound barrier disturbed this serene calmness and up in the sky a black, flailing spot sailed farther and farther away, giving off one last sparkle before it got too high to be visible from the ground.

A few minutes later a flustered and still very much irritated Naru walked into the kitchen of the Hinata-sou and took her place at the dinner table. Su followed suit, running into the room and jumping into her usual seat.

"Umm, aren't we going to wait for Keitaro-sempai?" Shinobu asked while she slipped of her apron and took her seat at the table.

Naru just grumbled angrily into her bowl of rice at the question coming from the diminutive girl.

"I don't think Kei-kun will be back in time for dinner, sweetie." Kitsune remarked casually, taking a sip from the sake she had brought with her when Shinobu had called them for dinner.

Motoko looked up from her own meal at hearing the way the older girl had addressed their wayward landlord.

"Kei-kun?" she asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Huh?"

"You referred to Urashima as 'Kei-kun'." Motoko clarified. She didn't know why her stomach had been in knots a second ago when Kitsune had addressed their manager as 'Kei-kun'. Unbeknown to her she hadn't been the only one present who had felt a small pang of possessiveness and fear at the prospect of Kitsune being that familiar with the only male in the dorm.

"I did? Must have been a slip of the tongue." Kitsune sheepishly admitted rubbing the back of her head. She took another sip from her beverage and saw through half-lidded eyes how relieved the other tenants looked at her answer.

"Though, I don't think he'd mind if I started calling him 'Kei'." she added after a few seconds, deliberately waiting for the others to resume eating for maximum effect.

"He could call me 'Kitsu-nee' and I'd pretend I was his fun-loving, sexy upperclassman in high-school who had taken a shining to him." she loudly mused, feeling a sense of accomplishment at the sudden sounds of chocking and the distinct breaking of chopsticks.

To say things had changed since Keitaro's third failed entrance exam and his vacation from Hinata-sou, would be an understatement. His sudden absence had made them realize that he was possibly more to them than a live-in punching bag or dorm manager. She had seen the looks the other residents directed at the young man nowadays when he wasn't looking or was distracted with his duties around the former inn.

Of course, there had been shy looks from Shinobu. But that was to be expected with her obvious crush on her Sempai. Mutsumi was a no-brainer (pun intended) too as the Okinawan had made her feelings on the matter quite clear the way she behaved around him.

Naru, despite her protests and the frequent beatings she gave him, had done it too. There had been the odd look and 'doki doki' expression on her face once in a while before, the few times Keitaro had spoken with maturity and insight they all were unaccustomed to from him normally. The same could be said for Kendo-Girl. But recently she had caught them looking at him much more frequently like that.

Naru and Motoko, however, either didn't know how to deal with their changing emotions or were painfully afraid of the consequences were they to express their feelings for him. Opening up, letting your walls down, showing someone that you care made you vulnerable and weak. So she understood why both preferred to drop hints and looks, always keeping a certain distance no matter how close they came to him, trying to make him realize without playing their hand.

They had both reverted to their trusted method of dealing with Keitaro and had upped the number of 'accidents' Keitaro had had considerably. Even walking in on him in his own room, his locked private bath or during his time-slot for the Onsen just so they could get his attention, feel his gaze on their bodies and maybe get a small peek themselves at him.

It was kind of pathetic but also cute in a childish sort of way, Kitsune had realized on a few occasions when the two self-proclaimed pervert hunters had tried to get closer to him by 'accidentally' bumping their chests into him or their behinds into his groin. In effect it, was the equivalent of dumping sand in the sandpit over the head of the boy they liked.

He had certainly filled out since they first met no doubt to the amount of physical work they had piled upon him after he became their landlord. And he looked really good in his work clothes, Kitsune had to admit, which usually consisted of nothing more than a white t-shirt (that did a great job of showing off his strong back and shoulders), a pair of jeans and his trusty tool-belt. So she couldn't really blame them for peeking on him when he looked so...tasty. And the best part about this was that he didn't even know what he did to them! He was completely oblivious and it only added to his boyish appeal. If nobody made a move on him soon, Kitsune had decided, she would stake her claim in the prime real estate that was Keitaro Urashima. He wouldn't be able to resist the charm of a grown woman considering his experiences with the fairer sex until now.

The irony of it all still made her laugh, though. Here they were accusing him of being a pervert and a danger to every female in his presence and yet he was the only male in a dorm full of sexually frustrated women on the outskirts of Hinata, far away from prying eyes and ears.

"Did those mean girls from the Kendo and Boxing club beat you up again, Kei-kun?" Kitsune continued in a seductive voice without missing a beat from her earlier comment. And it worked too, as now all eyes were on her.

"You know that Kitsu-nee will always be there for you, don't you?" she said huskily as she hugged an imaginary Keitaro to her well-developed chest. "After all, only Kitsu-nee knows how to cheer you up properly. Don't I, Kei-chan?"

The effect was immediate and Kitsune couldn't hold back the large grin that threatened to split her face. Just as she had intended, Naru was clenching her fist and teeth in barely restrained anger at the imagined scenario, Shinobu was doing an impressive rendition of a red traffic light and the normally regal looking Aoyama seemed to be torn between looking flustered and frowning at Kitsune.

In fact, Motoko was already outlining the plot of her newest soon to be written novel about the headstrong female captain of the high school Kendo club and the ravaging of a bumbling and older kouhai (a strange concept in itself) who had joined the club recently. It would later be titled 'Tomoko-sempai, what are you doing?! That's not my shinai you're touching!' she decided.

"Oh my, this won't do" Mutsumi, who had come over for dinner, suddenly interjected, bringing the chaotic flow of things in the all-girls-dorm to a sudden halt with her offhand remark. At the sight of the minuscule frown, which looked out-of-place on the air-headed girl's face, Kitsune's grin fell somewhat.

Looking at the remaining tenants' faces from her position at the table she realized that she had failed to account not only for the melon-loving girl but also for two of the younger residents.

To her surprise Su had actually stopped eating and was looking at her with a look on her face Kitsune knew from experience. Though she was accustomed to getting it from the girlfriend of the guy she was flirting with at the moment and certainly not from Su. And was Sarah, who had stayed with them for the past few weeks, giving her the stink-eye? Nah, it was probably the sake clouding her vision.

"A-Anyway.." Kitsune coughed, trying to change the subject before the mischief she tried to instigate threatened to blow up in her face.  
"..What happened on the roof to make you this mad, Naru?"

"I too would like to know what that lecher was up to, so I can decide on a fitting punishment for his degenerate acts." Most of her blind anger and more importantly embarrassment had evaporated at Mutsumi's words.

It was probably another case of him being clumsy or being in the wrong place at the wrong time. And it probably deserved nothing more than a few threats of violence from her, a so called 'slap on the wrist', lest he started to think that she was going soft on him. Not that she was going soft on him, mind you. No, definitely not. Not in the least, she assured herself. She was just being reasonable as it was expected of a disciple of the Shinmei-ryu, she reasoned taking a sip of her tea to calm her nerves.

"That-That...BAKA was molesting Su up on the roof!" Naru barked as she pointed at the victim of the alleged super pervert she had launched into LEO earlier.

Reason flew out of the window as Motoko spit out her tea in shock, drenching Narusegawa, who sat directly opposite her. She was struggling to control the anger that had welled up again at the thought of the cheerful girl being taken advantage of. Had she been wrong about him? Was he actually the bottom-sucking scum she had accused him to be?, she wondered. The sword maiden would need to hear Urashima's side before she could decide what to do. Naru tended to blow things out of proportion, Motoko had to admit. But would Keitaro tell her the truth or would he simply deny everything?

Deciding that she would have to coerce him into telling the truth, her mind drifted off to come up with different ways on how to make him talk, ranging from a simple beating that would leave him grovelling at her shapely feet to ...more sensual and pleasurable (for her) methods of interrogation.

"Me?" The girl in question asked, pointing a finger at her confused face, just in time for Motoko to wake from a particularly saucy daydream which involved her in her normal outfit, one bound and naked manager draped over her lap like an unruly child and her right hand meeting his firm backside over and over again until he would squeal and with a tear-stained face admit to everything she told him to. And then she would make it up to her new pet.

"Yes you!" Naru shouted incredulously, one hand wiping as much tea from her face as she could. She knew Su was a foreigner and respected that their culture was different from hers. But she was not going to just stand by and let a child be taken advantage of here just because said child thought it was normal where she came from.

Motoko just used the welcome distraction to shake off the rosy hue on her cheeks and wipe her nose clean from the small drop of blood which had escaped it.

"Now you're being silly! I was playing with Keitaros" Su smiled one of her 100 watt smiles at the others, causing general confusion throughout the kitchen.

"What kind of game involves you sitting on his face while he's groping your breasts?!" the enraged Narusegawa wanted to know.

"Oh, I know of a fe-" Kitsune piped up but just as quickly shut up at the acerbic look Naru shot her. No need to fan the flames any further.

"It's a MolMol game called 'Cat got your tongue!'" the young MolMol princess began explaining, still all smiles. "Amalla told me about it. It's a game girls play to show how much they like a boy and to see how much he likes her back. I like Keitaro lots, so I played it with him to see if he liked me too."

"AHA!" Naru's angry fist met the table, satisfaction in her voice.

"I knew it! He-", Naru had to stop midway through her angry rant as her brain had fully processed what the foreign princess had said. "Huh?"

Su liked Keitaro in that way? No, it couldn't be. Nobody could like the idiot like that, she convinced herself. He was not much to look at, had no practical skills and had proved how mindbogglingly dumb he was by failing his Toudai entrance exam three times in a row. How could any women have feelings for such a failure at life? Scratch that: How could any women even look at him without feeling disgusted?

Su probably didn't even know what she was talking about. Nobody could be attracted to that..that...loser. Nobody. Certainly not her. No, not ever. She just wished she knew why the attempts at convincing herself of his status as complete failure at life sounded so hollow to her.

"Ara, do you like Keitaro-kun as a friend you play games with or do you 'like like' him?"

It was Mutsumi who broke the awkward silence following the realization that the hyper-energetic genius was slowly getting into her teenage years.

They hadn't noticed up until then but she had grown a few inches and was starting to fill out her school uniform a little more than before. Just because she was acting childish from time to time didn't mean that she was stuck as a child forever.

"You are much too young for this, Su. I don't know why your sister thought it suitable to teach you about 'games' that are not suited for someone your age." Motoko chided the much younger girl. If she had trouble with the concept of being together with a man at 17 years of age it stood to reason that Su must have no idea what she was talking about and had been setup by her older sister.

"Hmm" Su seemed to be deep in thought; hand on her chin in a mock pose meant to convey that she was deliberating on the question and needed time to come up with an answer.

"I love Keitaro!" she burst out a few seconds later, breaking the illusion with blatant glee before she further elaborated.

"We're gonna get married and move back to MolMol where we'll have lots of -BLEEEP- and -BLEEEP- all day long in our bedchamber, and then we'll go outdoors to -BLEEEP- some more on the beach and in the forest. And then, when it gets dark he'll -BLEEP- me really good under the starlit sky while telling me how much he loves me and we'll -BLEEEP- together at the same time and have lots and lots of children and become Queen and King eventually!" she positively beamed at her friends after her long rant about Keitaro and herself.

"WHAAAAAAAAT?"

Apparently, Su had given the whole thing rather much thought.

The tremor of the collective face-fault from the Hinata beauties (sans Mutsumi who just covered her mouth with one hand while developing a good sized blush that nearly made her faint due to her anemia) was felt down at the tea house where, to Haruka's absolute horror, several expensive bottles of whiskey from her private collection of fine malts fell to the floor and broke upon impact. Horror turned to sadness and sadness gave way for anger. Oh, she knew that her nephew was somehow responsible and there would be hell to pay for it, she vowed with an angry scowl on her face.

"Su...how could you? You know I l-l-like Keitaro-sempai" Shinobu, who had recovered first, asked, her eyes glistening with unshed tears after the rather explicit plans her friend had for their apparently mutual crush.

"Don't cry, Shinomu!

Su ran over to Shinobu and hugged her side, rubbing her cheek against that of the other small girl in a gesture of comfort.

"I'm not gonna take him away from you! And besides, when we're married we can share him anyway, just like my Moms do with Papa." Shinobu's mind couldn't hold back the onslaught of images Su's earlier description had caused her phantasy to conjure, now with the addition of her in them, and she promptly fainted into the arms of her would-be co-wife after a spectacular nosebleed that would have put Keitaro to shame.

"I FORBID IT!" came the dual shout from the hitherto shell-shocked Motoko and Naru as they slammed their palms on the table and stood up at the same time. They blinked at each other comically in surprise before turning away fast with a blush on their cheeks, again mirroring each other's movement perfectly.

"DO-DOING *THAT* - HAH, AS IF! It seems that I've been too soft on that groping, good-for-nothing blockhead!" Naru cracked her knuckles ominously while stuttering like a young schoolgirl.

"He'll PAY for trying to trick you into fulfilling his dirty smut-filled phantasies! After I beat that BAKA off he won't dare to try to lay his filthy hands on you."

"Beat him up." Kitsune corrected, fighting to contain the laughter at her friends Freudian slip.

"Thanks?" Naru answered uncertainly, confusion evident in her voice at the unexpected encouragement and Kitsune's strange behavior. "That's what I intend to do." What was so funny about her threat?

"Are you sure? Because to me it sounded like you-" Kitsune tried again but was interrupted by Motoko who had also heard Narusegawa's blunder but had chosen to gracefully ignore it.

"I agree, Naru-sempai. Kei-", The sword mistress paused to flip a strand of hair over her shoulder.

"It seems Urashima's depraved ways have already succeeded in corrupting your mind, Su, despite our forceful reminding him to keep his hands and thoughts to himself." She proceeded looking directly at Su.

"I propose for the sake of you and the safety of the other females in this house that he be left to my close watch. This way I can try and cleanse him of his perversion while making sure that you are well protected from his roaming hands. My duty as an Aoyama and warrior of the Shinmei-ryu allows nothing less, even at the cost of my body."

Riiight, Kitsune thought, and wondered if it would be rude if she started to laugh at the blatant lie. Su, who was still holding onto an unconscious Shinobu, looked equally skeptical at the older girls while Sarah just felt left out.

"Oh my, are we finally fighting for Keitaro-kun's heart? If so, I won't let you win without a fight." Mutsumi said calmly with a smile on her face.  
"Or is it just about his body, I wonder?" she pondered poking her cheek with her index finger.

"Hey!" Sarah shouted in a determined voice and ran up to Su and the passed out Shinobu.

Even though the older girls were like sisters to her she wouldn't let them have the part-timer without putting up a fight. He was always there for her when her Papa went on his stupid expeditions and he always managed to make her smile when she was angry or sad. Whenever she thought about how he never gave up and how hard he tried to make them all smile she felt small butterflies in her stomach. Plus, he was cute and would grow up to look like her Papa when he got older. No, she wouldn't let anyone take him from her.

"Can I marry you and the Dork too?"

Kitsune's laughter could be heard from miles that evening.

ooOOOOOoo

Meanwhile on NaruAir Flight 1586

I can see Uncle Hiroshi's house from up here, Keitaro thought with mild surprise. He had long ago stopped flailing his arms and screaming his head off. It simply used up too much oxygen past a certain height and he really, really had no intention of crash landing while passed out. Again, that is.

When he was conscious he could at least try to stay clear of buildings and sharp objects by flailing his limbs to one side or the other. It might look stupid and it might only alter his trajectory by fractions of an inch. But done early enough, just after his flight evened out and before his descend began, the difference was several hundred meters and all he needed to avoid cracking his skull open like a piñata.

' _I don't know what I've done to make them this mad at me'_ , Keitaro sulked _. 'It's like they're trying to get me in trouble. And why the hell do they hit me if they walk in on me in my own bathroom? I should be the one screaming 'PERVERT!' and bash them through the nearest wall and not the other way around!'_

He didn't know what was worse: the lack of privacy or the way they always seemed to follow him around the house. It hurt imagining that even after all the time spent together they would have so little trust in him that they thought that he needed to be carefully watched. He knew they had issues with men but this was getting ridiculous. Their eyes were practically glued to him whenever he did his repairs or the maintenance work. It was nerve-wracking! He would walk on eggshells around them and try to keep to himself and still got beaten up like nobody's business. And most of the time he didn't even know why! One of them would sneak up on him and do or say something ambiguously and the next moment Motoko, Naru or one of Su's inventions would try to kill or maim him.

 _'They probably want to set me up so that they can get me fired by Granny Hina'_ , he figured dejectedly and angled his body slightly to the left where he spotted a forest. He would need to talk with Haruka about this when he came back. Even if the only thing she would tell him 'You're a man, so take it like one' it would be nice to spill his guts to someone.

For a brief moment he entertained the idea of retorting to her barb with a _'What do you know about men anyway? If you'd act more like a woman you might actually get to know other men than Seta.'_ Then he remembered the loaded gun she had in the tea house and grimaced. There were less painful ways to commit suicide. Like jump in front of a moving bullet train, for example.

He had better things to do at that moment than considering suicide by aunt. Like pick a landing spot that was close to the edge of the forest so he wouldn't have to walk far to the city.

Yes, that tree over there looked flexible enough to cushion his-

"WAAAAAAARGGHHH" A screaming body slammed into him from below before he had a chance to cry out in surprise.

Tumbling over himself he saw somebody with a pigtail fly upwards while he continued his uncontrolled drop towards the ground. The pain was intense and nearly made him faint but he clung to consciousness and tried to focus on the situation at hand. Judging from the noise of the streets below him, which was steadily growing louder, and the occasional glimpse of rooftops and lit windows he had but a few seconds to the ground.

Mouthing a silent prayer to Kami-sama he braced for impact. The last thing he heard before he crashed through the roof of the Toyotama public bath in Nerima was somebody yelling

"What a haul! What a haul!" over and over again like a demented mantra.

*SPLASH*

"GAAHHH" Keitaro broke the surface of the water seconds later, gasping frantically for air. He stood up in the waist-high water, splashing water all around him, and looked around him in a bewildered fashion trying to get a bearing as to where he had landed.

"KYAAAAAAAA! A PEEPING TOM!" a feminine shriek echoed of the tiled, white walls around him. He turned towards where he thought the cry had come from. Yep, definitely feminine. Other women joined in in trying to burst his eardrums with matching shrieks of indignation.

"BAH!" he slapped his hand over his eyes and immediately turned back around.

"I'm sorry! It was an accident! I swear I didn't see anything!"

With one hand covering his eyes and the other held out in front of him he began wading away from them. In his panicked state he failed to realize that not looking where he was going in a room full of naked and agitated women probably wasn't a bright idea. Especially not with one of his hands flailing wildly in front of him. Something warm and soft brushed his hand.

"EEHHH! GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME!" The vicious punch to his nose sent him flying backwards, his body drawing a furrow into the water.

Moments later his back slammed into the soft bodies of the women he had ran away from. They tumbled into the water, a chaotic mess of arms and legs. He shook his head in an attempt to clear it and opened his eyes, his vision occupied by naked, rosy flesh.

"AIYA! Only Airen allowed that!" the purple-haired women he was motor-boating exclaimed before she pushed him upward with surprising strength. Nearly over-extending backwards he barely caught his footing.

"Shampoo! Catch!" Was that a giant spatula flying through the air? What was she-?! Oh, no no no no no no. He felt his stomach drop as he saw how easily the girl he had felt up caught the oversized kitchen utensil. The purple-haired woman was freakishly strong and had used the time he had spent regaining his balance to get up.

"NO NO WAIT! Please, I can explain!" he began backpedaling with his hands held up in surrender. "It's an accident, I swear! Things like that happen all the time around me!" Judging from the glare she directed at him it seemed that he wasn't exactly helping his case.

With a terrifying cry of "HENTAI NO BAKA!" she swung the giant spatula like a Major League Pro gunning for a home run. His world exploded in pain as the business end slammed into the side of his head and launched him upwards through the roof leaving a man-shaped hole in it.

"Is home run? Right, Spatula Girl?" Shampoo was still looking up at the ceiling of the bathhouse.

"Sure is, sugar." Ukyo walked over to the Chinese Amazon to retrieve her signature weapon.

"I wonder who he was, though. I don't think I've seen him around here."

"Gee" The blunette who had punched Keitaro hissed in pain and cradled one of her hands.

"What's his face made of? It felt like I punched a steel plate…"

"Are you alright, Akane?" Ukyo and her were rivals in love, but against perverts women needed to stick together. Shampoo thought so too, apparently, and waded over to Akane to take a look at the injury.

"Y-yeah." the blue-haired girl answered unsure of the extent of her injury.

"Is alright." the Chinese Amazon concluded from her brief examination.

"Grandmother have salve Violent Girl can use. Will no hurt tomorrow if use tonight."

"Thank you, Shampoo." Viole-, I mean, Akane smiled shyly at her sister-in-arms in this moment of unexpected camaraderie among the cheers of the other women in the bath.

"Aiya. You welcome."

ooOOOOOoo

Half-an-hour later on a roof not too far from the bathhouse

"ow ow ow" Keitaro woke and immediately wished he had remained unconscious. His world was made up entirely of pain and trying to pinpoint where it hurt most just gave him a bigger headache.

"About time you woke up, my boy." A voice croaked from somewhere close. If he could have moved he would have jumped up in surprise from his lying position. As it was, he settled for opening his eyes and carefully turned his head towards where the voice had come from.

"Where- Where am I? Who are you?" The dizziness made it hard to focus his vision on the figure to his right.

"We're still in Nerima, don't worry." The stranger paused and he heard more than saw him take a drag from his pipe and exhale a plume of smoke. "Those knockers of hers must be quite something to make you this disoriented."

At this mention Keitaro's short-term memory supplied him with images of the naked purple-head that had sent him on another flight. Before he had time to blush or deny having seen anything the stranger continued.

"As for who I am, boy." The small figure paused to jump down from a wrapping cloth bursting with bras and panties?, Keitaro noted as his vision finally got better. After a few steps, the ridiculously small man in the dark maroon outfit stopped in front of the three times ronin.

"I am Happosai, the Grandmaster of the Anything Goes Martial Arts School of Indiscriminate Grappling and your new Master." the old man calling himself Happosai explained with an air of grandeur.

"Pardon?" The severely hurt manager winced at the bop to his head he got in response.

"That's 'Pardon, Master?' to you." Tsk, the youth of today had no respect for their elders.

"Pardon, Master?" Keitaro gritted his teeth in pain and tried again.

"A fast learner, I see." Happosai chuckled. "I knew taking you on as my new student was a good choice. This will make your training much easier for you. But first we'll have to work on that imbalance of yours."

Student? Training trip? Imbalance? What was this pint-sized grandpa talking about?

"Look, sir." Keitaro sat up, barely able to support himself on his elbow.

"I appreciate the gesture but I really can't go on a training trip. I need to go to cram school and prepare-"

"Nonsense." The old man cut him with a flick to the forehead causing Keitaro to fall on his back again.

"With your Ki-imbalance you can study as much as you want. In the end it won't make a lick of difference. Your subconscious will be too busy trying to keep you from dying for you to properly concentrate." Happosai elaborated nonchalantly with a puff of his pipe.

"What do you mean?" Happosai leaned over to look the young lad directly into his eyes before he spoke.

"Haven't you ever felt out of touch with yourself, boy?" the old grandmaster asked. "Did you never wonder why you have trouble concentrating or why you have such bad luck with women?"

The look of genuine surprise in his Keitaro's eyes was all it took to confirm the hunch he had gotten from his check-up on the boy after he had found him on the roof. It was the least he could have done after the boy had enabled him to get away clean with his precious loot.

"The life-force that gives us life and that is part of every living being follows the principle of Yin and Yang", the small man began in a serious tone that he seldom used. "It is made up of hot and cold energies, of forceful and docile elements, of hardness and softness, which we naturally experience as feelings and moods like anger or sadness but also as bodily sensations of heat or cold. Usually, people have more or less the same amount of both kinds of energies as none is able to overpower the other."

"You, however, have a lot more Yang than Yin in your system for some reason and while it probably gives you exceptional toughness and determination it's also poisoning your body and your mind slowly. Your subconsciousness knows this and tries to bring you to a natural state of balance by leeching the missing Yin off of others, especially women since they have a slight predisposition towards it. That's the reason why you always get in trouble with women. And because your mind is always preoccupied with keeping you alive you can't focus properly while studying. It's probably a birth defect or something like that."

Happosai sat down beside the young man after his lengthy explanation and returned to smoking his pipe. A few minutes of silence passed before Keitaro spoke up again.

"How do I know you're telling the truth?" he asked in a small voice without looking at the old man. It was just too weird to believe.

"Take this." Happosai put something soft in his right hand. "And tell me if you feel any different, boy."

Keitaro did as he was told and focused inward. At this point he just wanted to know if there was such an easy explanation for why his teenage years sucked the way they had. He had often laid awake at night plagued by feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, regret and fear of the future. Would his life be an endless chain of failures until he died of old age or clumsiness? Would he be only able to watch from afar as other people dated, got married and had kids? Was he destined to die a lonely virgin without ever feeling the loving touch of a woman?

These were the questions which haunted him every other night. Especially after dragging himself home after Naru and Motoko had had their way with him. The teasing from Kitsune and Sarah and the cold, emasculating looks from Haruka weren't that easy to brush off either.

Seemingly in response to his despair he felt a soothing warmth glide up his right arm. It continued to spread through his upper body and further up and downwards. He visibly relaxed as the strange sensation fought off the pain and managed to calm the whirlwind of thoughts and emotions he had felt moments before. His mind felt clear as he realized that the constant but almost imperceptible feelings of doubt which usually lingered at the edge of his consciousness were blown away.

"I- I can feel it...But how?"

"Good." Happosai nodded. "Take a look at your hand."

Keitaro brought his right hand up to his face and came face to face with a crumpled pair of white lace panties.

"GAAAAAH" Keitaro dropped the racy underwear and was on his feet in the blink of an eye, stumbling away from the unmentionables.

"Pa-pa-pa-" the young man stuttered like an outboard motor.

With a lecherous smile on his face Happosai picked up the lace panties and rubbed them eagerly across his wrinkled face.

"The closer to the body clothing is the more the wearers Ki will imprint on it. You just drained the residual energy from it" he explained with a lecherous smile. "Didn't it feel sweet?"

Keitaro suddenly felt disgusted at himself and the feeling of completeness he had felt moments before.

"But don't worry, my boy. This was more like a drop in the bucket. You could call it first aid if you want to. What you need is a more permanent solution."

"Permanent solution?" Keitaro asked already dreading the answer. If it meant becoming someone like the dried up martial artist he'd rather jump in front of a truck than become what the women around him already thought him to be. At least he'd die an honorable man if nothing else.

"I'm going to teach you the Anything Goes Style of Indiscriminate Grappling. If you're lucky enough the additional training and Ki control exercises could be enough to cure you." Happosai said and stuffed the pair of panties into one of his pockets.

"I can't." Keitaro sighed. "I've sworn an oath on my family's honor to never hurt anyone again."

"IDIOT!" Before Keitaro knew it he was buried nose deep in the concrete roof.

"Why would you swear on your family's honor not to fight?!" the old man seethed clutching his pipe like a bat.

"When I was a 10" Keitaro began as he slowly extracted himself from the man-shaped crater.

"I hurt a girl my age really bad. She was...is - I mean I hope still - training in her family's sword fighting style. I think. I wanted to show off to her and my Grandma and, you know, impress the them, I guess." he continued with a downcast look as he sat up cross-legged.

"By that time I had already been practicing the clan style for a few years and I was really good at it." Keitaro looked wistfully at the ground.

"Anyways. Since our martial arts style is all about close range hand-to-hand combat, Granny Hina thought it might be a good idea to have me practice against this girl who came from a long line of swords-women. I could practice to defend myself against someone with a sword and she could learn how to fight an opponent with a clear advantage in close range. Everybody would win. Sounds good, right?" He smiled languidly at Happosai whose ears had perked up in interest at the mention of him already knowing some martial arts.

"That day was the 3rd or 4th time we had sparred and we had already moved past the stage where it was just plain awkward having others watch while we trained. For me it had become the highlight of the week because she gave me a real challenge. One wrong move and 'bam' it'd be on the floor or have my Gi torn open. I guess for her it was the same. Each time she was faster and stronger than the time before and I could barely keep up with her during our spar on that day."

"She caught me off guard with an overhead strike and I panicked and clasped the blade of her practice sword between my palms before it hit me. We were both stunned and just stood in that position for a few seconds, trying to wrap our heads around what had just happened. Then for some reason I thought 'Chance!' and moved my hands along the blade. I honestly just wanted to do a simple judo throw, nothing fancy really. In my panic, however, I misjudged the distance and grabbed her elbow instead of her shoulder and by the time I realized my mistake I had snapped her arm in two and she was screaming." Keitaro confessed. "It was a real mess afterwards with the girl's family demanding retribution and so on."

"And your family made you promise to never hurt anybody again because of that?"

"No. That was me." Keitaro admitted. "The girl's family just wanted me banned from practicing the family style in exchange for not starting a blood feud."

Happosai just sighed and rubbed his head with his free hand. Having lived as long as he had the old man had a deep respect for family and clan honor despite his own rather flexible morals. In the turbulent times he had experienced during his lifetime sometimes honor had been the only thing people could rely on.

"I guess that leaves us only one option, my boy." The perverted martial artist sighed in mock defeat.

"What's that?" Keitaro asked solemnly. Happosai gave him an irritated look. "I mean: What's that, Master?"

"Why, of course the Sensual Martial Arts. HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Sensual...Martial...Arts..?" A red-faced Keitaro managed to squeak out. Images of sexy Kunoichi and Geisha doing all kinds of pleasurable things were flooding his head.

"Hohoho! It's perfect!" Happosai cackled. "Attacking and defending without hurting your opponent. And just imagine what it'll do to your popularity with the ladies! You'll be fighting them off with a stick before you know it!" He emphasized his words by swinging his pipe from side to side as if to defend himself.

"...Me?" Was all Keitaro managed while Happosai continued to gloat to nobody in particular about what a genius he was for coming up with the idea.

"Yes, you!" Happosai responded cheerfully. Causing chaos and mischief always improved his mood. The ensuing confusion also made it a lot easier to liberate the pretty ladies from their panties, he snickered to himself.

"By the way, what's your name sonny boy? I can't go around calling you 'my boy' all the time."

"Keitaro. Keitaro Urashima"

"Well, Keitaro Urashima" Happosai grabbed one of Keitaro's hands and shook it eagerly.

"Get ready to begin your training in the Anything Goes Style of Sensual Martial Arts."

"But I didn't even agree to anything!"

"Not even your first day and you're already going against your Master's orders, boy?" Keitaro hissed in pain at the vice-like grip he suddenly found his hand in.

"Wh-why d-do you - *HISS* - want to t-train me so bad? Nothing is f-for free, so what's in it for you?" the younger man groaned.

Happosai hmm-ed. "I guess you make for a pretty good distraction."

"Di-distraction?" Keitaro dropped down to one knee, large amounts of sweat trickling down his face. How could a man this small be so strong? It defied all logic!

"Yeah, in exchange for me taking you under my wings so generously, you offered to help me on my panty-raids." Why that little creep! I'll never help that sorry excuse for a-, Keitaro was painfully forced to reconsider his next words when he heard the bones in his hand start to pop.

"I-I did? Mu-must have slipped my mind..." Keitaro grimaced as if swallowing a bitter pill. For now he needed to go along with whatever crazy scheme the crazy old geezer had hatched. He could worry about how to worm out of having to 'assist' later when he wasn't in danger of losing a limb!

"Of c-course, I'll honor the agreement..M-Master. GAH!"

Upon hearing this Happosai let go of his bruised hand. Keitaro dropped to the ground where he proceeded to roll around in pain on the ground, his stinging hand clenched between his knees.

"It's not every day I hand out favors so easily. Remember that as my student."

"Feels more like a forced favor to me!" Keitaro cried out in indignation from his position on the floor.

"Quit your whining, sunny boy! You better save some of that strength for your training or the next 6 weeks will be hell for you."

"6 weeks?!" Keitaro shrieked. "I can't just disappear for 6 weeks straight without any warning! I've told you I need to go to cram school and I've got a job where I'm needed!"

The old fart was delusional! He'd not only lose the school money he had already paid but he'd probably be out of a job upon his return to the Hinata-sou with the way things between him and the girls had been.

"Then this time is as good as any for your first lesson in the Anything Goes style: Improvise." Happosai just grinned at the angry young man in front of him.

Yes, he thought to himself, training this Keitaro fella would be loads of fun.

ooOOOOOoo

Phew. So, that's it for the first chapter. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. It took me a few weeks to finish this huge first chapter since it's my first fanfic and I wanted it to 'feel' right to me before I published it.

Since I've planned out half the story before I even started writing the first chapter there will be updates to the story, I promise. However, with my schedule and current lack of pre-readers I won't be able to upload a new chapter every week like other authors.

So, if you know your 'Love Hina' and 'Ranma' or ideally have already written one or two stories for either anime/manga and have the will and time to pre-read future chapters, just drop me a PM and I'll get in touch with you.

As always, R&R is always welcome!

 _Open your eyes for the next_ -, I mean, see you next time.

canoris


	2. First Impressions

Disclaimer: I write for fun, not for profit. All characters belong to their respective authors and I'm really glad they came up with them.

' _thoughts_ '

"speech"

*SOUNDS*

ooOOOOOoo section break

* * *

Allowing herself to flop down onto her futon, Kitsune let out a soft groan. Her arms and legs were sore in places she had never even knew existed and she didn't remember the last time she felt this sweaty, dirty or miserable. Even at her worst times as self-proclaimed partygirl and part-time alcoholic she had felt better than now. This was awful! She covered her face with her hands and groaned again in frustration.

If she had know that things would turn out like they did, she would have kept her big, fat mouth shut for once and not goaded her roommates into confessing their crushes on Keitaro!

Now...now they would barely talk to each other. Not even when they were paired up by Granny Hina and Kanako for chores around the inn. Or at breakfast, lunch or dinner for that matter. And then there were Granny and Kanako. How a gentle and kind person like their landlord could be related to such a sadistic slaver would be a complete mystery to Kitsune for the rest of her life. Granny and Keitaro's sister had arrived two days after Haruka had informed them of Keitaro's impromptu decision to leave the Hinata for a few weeks. Considering the murderous look on Harukas face after demanding Keitaro explain himself and getting a 'I need a break' in return, it was a wonder they still had had a working phone to call Granny from.

Anyway, as soon as Granny and that dominatrix-in-training, Kanako, had arrived they had been given the third degree by the young girl. Unsurprisingly, shortly afterwards accusations and blame were passed around like sweets at a birthday party. Equally unsurprisingly, it had ended in a complete estrogen-fueled mess of angry shouts, scathing remarks and silent treatments. While the older girls, like Motoko, Naru and Kanako each went their separate ways after the fallout between them, the trio of would-be-co-wives to their landlord had stuck together, defending each other against all the blaming and shaming on that afternoon.

Kitsune was just glad that in the whole chaos her dormmates had completely forgotten about her, even though at first she had been miffed about that very fact. In fact she had felt downright insulted at first. Did they really think that she couldn't wrap an inexperienced guy like Keitaro around her pretty finger? 'Puuhlease', thought the foxy girl. 'They wouldn't even have a chance to make a pass at him. 'Kitsu-nee' could have 'Kei-kun' be her plaything by noon if she wanted to.'

Sadly, she thought, while she somehow dodged a bullet at the 'love-fest' that day it didn't mean that she was safe from other dangers. Oh no, quite on the contrary.

Turns out, Kanako and Keitaro had kept in touch frequently and the younger girl had quickly done the math on her brother's dwindling funds at the same time each month when the rent was due. And having been told about her brother's tenants she had had no trouble identifying Kitsune as the main reason for why her Onii-chan had to shop at second-hand clothing stores. After all was said and done and the lines had been drawn, Kanako had singled the freelance writer out and told her in no uncertain terms that she would pay for every Yen she had leeched off 'poor Onii-san'.

And pay she did, Kitsune thought as she attempted to roll onto her right side only to stifle another groan at the pain the simple movement brought her. Where was her sympathy for Kitsune? That evil girl hadn't even left her any booze to dull the pain. Sadist! Succubus! 'Wanting to make her own brother fall for her when he could have a babe like me or Naru, tsk! Good luck with that, sister!', Kitsune thought sourly. If her parents hadn't been so strict about proper etiquette and language she would have found quite other terms to describe the younger girl, grr. A knock on her door interrupted her angry ranting before she drifted off into daydreams about how to get rid of the gothic lolita.

"Kitsune-sempai, dinner will be ready in ten minutes.", Shinobu's voice rang through the closed door before she heard the girl head further down the hall. For a short moment Kitsune pondered on whether the delicious meal her dorm-mate had prepared would be worth getting up and having to face the tense atmosphere at dinner table. Her stomach grumbled in response making the decision for her. Despite the protests from her stiff shoulders and her aching legs Kitsune got up and proceeded to make her way to the kitchen with just one thought on her mind 'Keitaro, wherever you are, I hope you're having a better time than me.'

ooOOOOOoo

 _At the same time in Nerima_

*HACHOOO* A loud sneeze rang through the empty street in a quiet neighborhood and reverberated off the high garden walls.

"You getting sick on me?" asked Happosai not bothering to look at his most recent pupil as they walked alongside each other.

"No, I don't think so." Keitaro shook his head and tightened the straps on his backpack before furiously wiping his nose with the sleeve of his training Gi. While he had no illusions about his looks after two weeks of torture he just hoped that with all the grime and dirt covering his clothes nobody would notice the copious amount of snot on his sleeve. It was a small wonder that this was the only reaction to his abrupt change in lifestyle, he thought. A lifestyle that for the past two weeks had consisted of the most grueling, inhumane training methods from dawn till nightfall every day, followed by nightly panty raids, followed by him cooking rice and whatever edible plants his 'Master' happened to find over a bonfire and then falling asleep in some tree or cave.

Getting thrown of a steep mountain slope? Check. Being rented out to farmers to plow their fields without machines or horses all day? Been there, done that. Sneaking into all-girls schools in broad daylight so his 'Master' could perv on teenage girls and then getting beat up while the old bastard escaped with their underwear? Seen it all. It was hard to keep track of all the horrible and life-threatening situations he had been through since being dragged off to this 'training trip'. If he had known before how much punishment he could take, he would have simply jumped of the rooftop that night and ran off into the night, forgetting he had ever met that demonic dwarf.

"Good. Can't have my student getting sick on me while I'm gone, can I?"

The small man smiled and jumped up to hit Keitaro on the back, almost making his student lose his balance. Not that he was worried in the least. Keitaro was a tough cookie after all, the martial arts grandmaster thought. Lesser man would have been heavily injured or dead after some parts of the training, but here the boy was still standing. Besides the obvious fatigue and the almost constant whining during training the only real outward sign of weakness coming from his pupil had been that sneeze.

"Really?" Keitaro asked almost instantly. The older man glared at him sharply in response, not having missed the hopeful tone in his student's voice.

Keitaro gulped nervously. "I-I mean, really? What a shame..." Happosai's glare intensified at the failed attempt to sound sincerely disappointed. There was no turning back now, Keitaro thought, he had to use THAT.

"I guess there's no helping it. Then I'll be heading back home. See you around, Master!" With a cheerful wave of his hand Keitaro turned around as fast as he could and decided to use his newly developed speed to try and a make break for it. About five feet into his mad dash towards freedom, he was send flying towards the nearest wall by a well-placed 'love tap' to the back of his head.

"You're still a hundred years to young to pull a fast one on me, sonny boy." Happosai stated, polishing his trusty pipe as he was wont to do after using it to smack some sense into his students.

Keitaro mumbled something that sounded like 'Sorry for presuming' through a mouthful of concrete and slowly peeled himself off the garden wall.

"Now that you're somewhat more in shape we can get to the good parts."

"The...good parts?" Keitaro asked hesitantly, rubbing his smarting head. The ringing in his ears was making it really difficult to make out any other sounds besides it.

"Of course!" The old man was suddenly all smiles again. Keitaro just wished he'd stop shouting. "Now the time has come for the student to reach out to prove himself and broaden his horizon while the teacher leans back and lets the student do all the work! Hohohoho!" This borderline personality disorder of his was r-e-a-l-l-y creepy, Keitaro thought.

If the neigh indestructible Toudai-Tryout hadn't received a blunt head-trauma mere seconds ago he might have become suspicious at the way his 'Master' had cackled evilly when he finished his sentence. In fact, he would've panicked at the thought that he would have to 'prove' himself after just two weeks of 'training' when he hadn't learned a single Kata yet.

As it was however, he merely nodded dumbly.

"Now that's the spirit, my boy. Come on, follow me! We've gotta meet your temporary teacher for the next two weeks." Happosai set off again towards their destination, wherever it was. It wasn't as if he had told Keitaro where they were heading. "Can't have you slacking off while I'm gone, can I?"

Wondering if the ringing in his ears would go away anytime soon, Keitaro followed the pint-sized man and the pair spent the next few minutes in silence with Keitaro two steps behind Happosai. He navigated them unerringly through the maze-like streets and after what seemed like an endless series of the same walls and houses they both stopped in front of a two-story building on a slightly more busier street than the ones they had come out of.

"Nekohanten" Keitaro read the Kanji on the sign above the entrance. "Cat Café?" A restaurant?

"Who names their restaurant like that?" he wondered out loud still looking at the sign.

"That would be me."

Keitaro stiffened up comically and reddened at the unexpected voice coming from behind his back. Whirling around, he was about to bow deeply and apologize profusely to the owner of the restaurant but stopped abruptly when he saw who had answered him.

"A dried up monkey on a cane?" he asked, one eyebrow raised in confusion. He certainly hadn't expected that.

With a move too fast for untrained eyes to see Keitaro's abdomen made acquaintance with the pointy end of the cane. He doubled over, all the air being forced out of his lungs forcefully together with a considerable amount of spit sent flying. Milliseconds later a firework of pain unlike anything he had ever felt before assaulted his brain.

"How rude." The monkey-like thing said and removed the cane holding the young man upright, who lacking the support from the cane first fell to his knees and then forward before barely catching himself from falling face-first into the concrete below. Ignoring the ragged breaths and the coughing as if it was everyday street noise, the wrinkled figure turned towards Happosai who hadn't even turned around. After all, a martial artist of her caliber couldn't hide her strength from someone like Happosai and vice verse.

"But I guess with you as his teacher nothing else could be really expected."

"Ah, Cologne!" the old man turned around to greet her warmly. "What a coincidence to meet you here of all places! I guess the world really is a village, wouldn't you know it?"

"Indeed." the ancient amazon matriarch deadpanned, not at all impressed with his lame attempt at sweet talking. Even when they had been young he had been terrible at it. How she could have been ever interested romantically in him was a mystery to her. "Who would have thought that I would be at the place I live and work in of all places?" She added in a dry tone.

"Aw, come on. What's with all the suspicion? Can't a guy just visit his friends?"

"Not when it's you. What do you want?" she demanded, making it clear that she was ready to take on the other martial artist head first if he attempted something funny.

"Geez, don't get your panties in a bunch. It's not like I came here to steal them." He placated her. "In fact, I came here to ask you for a small favor." For emphasis he pinched his thumb and index finger close together barely leaving any space.

"Denied."

"Aw." He pouted like a small child and stomped his foot angrily. "Just hear me out, will ya! It's not like you won't get anything in return. My contacts in China told me where I can find the fabled Golden Shield of the Joketsuzoku."

Cologne was honestly intrigued. She had been just a child when the priceless artifact from her home village had been stolen in a surprise raid by an enemy amazon tribe. Even after defeating the other village resoundingly nobody had been able to find the Golden Shield following it. All who knew about it's location had taken their knowledge to the grave it seemed. Several myths had sprung up when there was no trace to be found of it no matter how extensive the search for it was. Nowadays, it was believed that the shield would only show itself to the woman it deemed worthy to protect and strong enough to carry it into battle for the good of the tribe.

Whoever returned it to the village would be hailed a hero and remembered as a legend by future generations, this much she was sure of.

"Really now? And what makes you think that I would just believe you in exchange for whatever it is you want from me?"

"Have I ever broken my word?"

"I can't remember a time when you didn't." Cologne responded calmly.

"Now that's a low blow." Happosai began arguing. "I've never broken my word, I just reinterpreted the meaning of it and acted accordingly to it."

"Isn't that the definition of breaking your word?"

"Details, details." He waved her off. "Alright, I see you're a tough sell."

"I solemnly swear that should I, Happosai, Grandmaster of the Anything Goes Style of Martial Arts, fail to uphold my promise to bring back the Golden Shield, my student will belong to you to do as you please with him." He exclaimed in a serious voice and threw his right hand out to his side so it pointed to his downed student, who was in too much pain to react.

"I have no use for weak males like him." The matriarch said disparagingly. "Not even the women from my tribe who are desperately wanting to get married will want him. And I get no enjoyment from killing innocent men and children." Up until now the boy had only showed how loudmouthed he was, nothing that was fit for the classic role of house husband in her opinion.

"Now, why would you say that about my student?" Happosai walked over to Keitaro's prone form and roughly pulled his student's head up by his hair.

Grabbing Keitaro's jaw with his free hand he continued talking like a used car sales man. "Look at him! Endured some of my harshest training methods with literally next to no training with only superficial injuries. He's built like a tank and in top health too! Just take a look at those pearly whites!" He said and forced Keitaro's mouth open to put his teeth on display like he was selling a horse.

"Personality wise he's docile and knows his way around the kitchen and the rest of the house. And while he hasn't much physical strength, he's got tons of stamina and big hands, if you're catching my drift! Together with that boyish face of his and his school smarts he's ideal husband-material for sure!"

School smarts? Now that merited a closer look at the boy, Cologne thought and walked over to the pained looking male. While their village was currently the strongest it had been in decades, she knew that it's existence in current day China was only due to the great sway she and the other elders held over the local politicians and government workers.

But what would happen to her beloved village once they were no more? They needed to prepare a new generation of knowledgeable and shrewd women to take over and built upon the foundations their predecessors would leave to them. Sadly, during and after the Second World War things had been hectic and after assuring the survival of their people they had neglected to plan for a then uncertain future, focusing instead on what was needed to live and thrive in the present. Their lack of attention had led to the current state of their younger generation of warriors which had been brought up to believe in a mentality of brawn over brains and that might makes right, which both had resulted in them not learning anything unrelated to martial arts or weapons. Try as she might, she couldn't deny the dread she felt the thought of a young boastful woman, like her great-granddaughter Xian-Pu, who had a shaky grip on the basic math and grammar skills would one day take over the position of village elder. However, this boy...Perhaps he could be useful as a teacher after Happosai would fail to bring back the shield...perhaps with him some of the children could still be molded into the suitable successors in a few years time. But first she had to make sure.

"Boy" she spoke looking directly into his eyes. "What is it that you do for a living?"

"I'm studying for my university entrance exams and working as landlord at my grandma's dormitory." Keitaro replied in-between short breaths.

"A scholar?" she chuckled. Perfect. "Then school boy, answer me this: what does a smart boy like you do following a fool like Happosai around?"

"I-I rather would prefer not to talk about it." he answered politely, averting his gaze. The idea to bear his heart out to a complete stranger and a woman at that didn't particularly appeal to Keitaro. At the same time he also didn't dare lying to her after having only a fraction of her anger directed at him.

She chuckled again, amused by how the youngsters tended to be so melodramatic about their problems nowadays. Whatever reason the young man had to follow Happosai around couldn't be that big of a deal, she thought. Nevertheless, if she handled this right it would give her an opportunity to gain his sympathy. It wouldn't do for her new village teacher to have something against said village.

She reached out with her wrinkled hand to pat his cheek. "There, there." She started. "I'm sure it's no-" She stopped dead in her tracks with her hand held to his cheek "-thing to..worry about."

Keitaro looked up at her in surprise at her. He wasn't quite sure what to make of the quick show of emotions that flashed across her face. However, the blank look that followed them made her completely unreadable to him. And that made her quite scary in his book, especially after the way she had sucker-punched him a few minutes ago.

When he finally felt her hand move from his face the nervousness he felt was replaced by the sudden and very dreadful realization that in all probability she would kill him in the next instant. He was sure of it. Silent women always promised pain for him, especially if they were martial artists. But a female version of Happosai in terms of strength an martial arts prowess? He was dead! Scratch that, he was deader than dead! _For Kami's sake!_ , he thought and forced his eyes shut in pure unadulterated fear. He was a bug in comparison to her. She could probably decapitate him with a karate chop to the neck and then go on about her merry way as if nothing had happened. And that was if he was lucky and she didn't want to prove a point!

Through his shaking and the recital of Buddhist prayers in his head he missed Cologne's soft chuckle, which then slowly turned into giggling while he was off in his own world, and then into full-blown laughter, which finally caught his attention and made him open one eye to peek at the obviously deranged Amazon matriarch.

"You're not going to kill me?" he asked her cautiously. She responded by laughing even harder.

Hoping to stay on her good side he just stayed silent and hoped that her good mood meant that he would live to see another day. Finally, after what seemed minutes, her shoulders slowly stopped shaking and she wiped a lone tear from her eye and addressed him.

"What's your name, boy?"

"Keitaro. Keitaro Urashima."

"Well, Keitaro Urashima. You're a really interesting character, aren't you?" she chuckled. "It's been a long time since a man managed to make me laugh so hard."

"T-Thanks, I guess?"he replied uncertainly, unsure if he should feel relieved or worried by this revelation.

"Consider yourself lucky. There are not many men who have seen an Amazon matriarch laugh like that and lived to tell the tale." He gulped, suddenly very glad to have accepted her earlier compliment gracefully.

"In fact, the last man who didn't end up with his head separated from his neck ended up being my husband and father to my many children." she reminisced.

He gulped again in fear of what THAT might possibly meant. She chuckled again at his antics and at the way he slowly tried to get more distance between them. Being a prankster at heart, she decided a little teasing was in order. Plus, there was still the matter of him calling her a dried up monkey on a cane.

"Don't worry, boy. You're at least 300 hundred years to young for this ride." she winked at him. He froze for a moment as he processed what the positively ancient woman had said like a deer caught in the headlights before he choked on a microscopic spec of dust and started coughing violently amidst Cologne's laughter. She already knew having him around would be like having a live-in comedian at the Nekohanten.

She turned to away from the choking youth to look at Happosai. "I can already take a guess as to why you brought him to me"

He smirked equally amused by his student and the amazon elders surprisingly good mood. "Oh, really? And why woul-"

The loud rattle from the front door of the Nekohanten droned out whatever Happosai said. It also drew the attention of both elders to the purple-haired woman standing in the doorway. Keitaro would have raised his head to look too if he hadn't been so busy hitting his chest in order to dislodge whatever was obstructing his airways.

Cologne smiled at the newcomer. "Yes, Great-Granddaughter? Is there a problem in the kitchen or restaurant?" she asked.

"No. Shampoo hear Great-Grandmother laugh. Is not usual, that all. Is everything alright?" Shampoo asked in a curious tone. Since her childhood she hadn't heard her great-grandmother laugh heartily like that. It was pure and lacked the usual shrewd or condescending undertone that was usually present she had become used to in the past few years.

"Yes. Don't worry, child. Our new guest just proved to be more entertaining than I had initially thought." Cologne assured the younger girl.

"Guest?" As far as Shampoo knew the only guests they had ever taken in were from the tribe. And she would've known about anybody coming for a visit long before their arrival.

"Yes, guest." Cologne responded before patting Keitaro's shoulder. "May I introduce to you the newest addition to the Nekohanten: Keitaro Urashima, our new part-timer." Having brought his breathing under control he looked up at the mention of his name. Twin gasps of surprise were heard in the quiet side street when recognition washed over them like a tidal wave.

"AAAAHH!" screamed both. One of them in pure horror and the other in pure rage as she remembered EXACTLY where she had seen his face before. Keitaro fell on his backside and pointed shakily at the purple horror in front of him.

"It-it's the crazy Spatula-Girl!" he whimpered and put his arms in front of him. "P-P-please, have mercy! It-it was an accident, I swear! Please, believe me!" he pleaded. Shampoo was having none of it however and produced her battle Bonbori ready to enact the revenge that was rightfully hers on that stupid male.

She pointed one of her deadly weapons at the disgraceful pervert who had dared to touch her breasts and who had the gall to get in her sights again. Pathetic and disgusting males like this who couldn't learn their place needed to be dealt with permanently.

"Hentai no baka..." she ground out between clenched teeth. "YOU I KILL NOW!" With a mighty battle cry she jumped up and aimed a direct hit at Keitaro's head.

Taken by surprise at her action Keitaro didn't even have time to scream in fear. The only thing he managed to do was close his eyes and whimper at the sure death that expected him in the next milliseconds. Seconds passed and when he didn't feel any pain or sudden draft where his head was supposed to be, he cautiously opened his eyes. And nearly wet his pants when he saw that her weapon was suspended mere inches above his head by the amazon elder's cane.

The ancient woman made it look effortless to hold the weapon and her great-granddaughter in place, even as Shampoo continued straining against the Ki-infused piece of wood with all of her strength.

"I take it you already know each other?" Cologne asked Keitaro calmly, ignoring the angry young woman suspended in mid-air.

OoOOOOOoo

Phew! Another chapter down. I want to use this opportunity to thank you for all your reviews, follows and PM in response to the publication of the first chapter. It was a real and welcome surprise to me as I didn't expect anyone to read it since it's such a strange crossover. It also made writing this chapter a lot of fun, although it ended up shorter than I initially planned and took a lot more time to write with revisions and such. If you read the Omake you can get an idea about where I wanted to take the story before it proved to be to challenging for me to pull it off in believable fashion.

R&R is always welcome!

 _-Canoris_

OoOOOOOoo

 _Omake Time_

"In fact, I will be handing you over to one of my most trusted students for the next three weeks to continue your training while I'm away on business in China.", the old man continued still not sparing his current student a glance. "Come on. We don't have all day for you to slack off."

Keitaro sighed in disappointment and followed the small man after a short pause to shake off the cobwebs in his head. He didn't know what was worse: being in the presence of this giant lecher or being handed off to one of his deviant students. The bad karma that he had collected following the midget pervert around alone was more than enough, in his opinion.

They spent the next few minutes walking in silence towards their destination before, to Keitaro's surprise, arriving at a remarkably unremarkable house in another quiet neighborhood. He had expected Happosai's prized student to live in...well, something more ominous than a typical, well-kept house from the late 1950's with a small garden and a pond. All in all, it was the epitome of the Japanese middle-class and all the ordinariness and boredom it represented.

While Keitaro was busy taking in the surroundings, Happosai had rang the doorbell which was mounted on the wall to the right of them. They didn't have to wait long before the front-door was opened by one of the most beautiful women he had ever seen. The first thing he noticed was her shoulder-lenght, dark red hair, which was done up in a traditional hairdo and her spectacular cerulean eyes. Letting his gaze wander he saw that she was dressed in a traditional white yukata that went down past her knees. It was adorned with several flower-petals and vines spanning across the surface of it. Thin white socks and sandals rounded her outfit off and made it seem as if she had stepped out of the 1950s right into modern times.

"Hello Happosai-sama" She bowed deeply to the old man politely ignoring Keitaro who had unconsciously taken a step back at her action. "It is good to see you again. How are you doing?"

"Hello Nodaka-chan, oh you know me. Same old, same old. As long as I keep on moving and training I'm fine. How about you?"

"That's nice to hear, master. I'm fine, thank you for asking." The woman responded politely. "Though I do feel a bit lonely at times without Genma and Ranma around. Oh, how I miss them. But they're always on some or other training trip and I never manage to catch them when they stay at Soun's house." she sighed sadly and Keitaro was captivated by the way she managed to convey all her loneliness and hurt in that one sigh.

"Maa maa", the old midget tried to cheer her up, "Don't be so sad, Nodoka-chan. I'm sure they're not doing it on purpose. Why, I bet they're doing their best to surprise you with all the changes Ranma has gone through! Hohohoho!"

"I guess you're right, Happosai-sama" the woman conceded before turning to Keitaro with a smile that reminded him of a certain Okinawan beauty. "So, you must be Keitaro. I've heard a lot of things about you."

"H-Hai, I'm Keitaro Urashima! Nice to meet you, Nodoka-sempai." he bowed deeply not really sure if she would be angry the way he'd addressed her. Perhaps she wanted to be called Sensei?

"I haven't been called Sempai in a long time." She giggled his antics before continuing in playful tone. "My my, I didn't expect you to try and chat up a married woman like me right off the bat."

"N-NO! I m-mean I would never-"

"It's just as you said, Happosai-sama." she said, all traces of playfulness gone in an instant.

She ignored the flustered male in front of her and turned again towards the vertically challenged martial arts master. "He's defenseless against women. I don't know if I can train him in the arts like this." She said in a worried tone.

"Huh?" Her sudden mood change had thrown him off. Had it been a test of some sort?

"Yeah." Happosai crossed his arms and nodded gravely with his eyes closed. "He's really spineless with women. A complete wimp if I've seen one."

"HEY!"


End file.
